Seasons

He's not finished yet. As I sit here writing at a coffee shop in Cedar Hill, Texas, I am flooded yet again with memories of me and David. You see, David and I lived here the 7.5 months we were married and there are a ton of memories when I look around this city. I think of the time we signed the lease on our first apartment and got our keys, the time I felt like I was dying and he took me to the local urgent care to find out I would indeed survive (hey, he wanted me to get checked out, too--I'm not a full-out hypochondriac like my friends think!), and the last 1-2 months together when we developed a rather unhealthy obsession for the wings at the nearby Buffalo Wild Wings. We had to eat, though, so no judgment, right?

One memory that cracks me is up is when I drive past the Half-Price Books here and remember the time David and I grabbed lunch out and, then, went to the bookstore after. David and I each went our separate ways inside the store to look around. After some time, I vividly remember looking down the one aisle and seeing David. I watched as he put his drink cup from lunch on TOP of the bookshelf. Keep in mind, the shelf probably extended at least 7' tall...so, for David who was 6'9", he could easily extend and reach up to set his drink on top of the bookcase so he could browse through a book. I remember cracking up laughing and it was loud enough for him to hear me. It struck me funny because I could barely reach the highest shelf let alone imagine reaching high enough to put my cup on top of the bookcase. My short self usually has to stand on my tip-toes to reach anything remotely high. These memories bring me joy and help me remember the happiest times of my life thus far. Since I've been alone, it is easy to fix my eyes on all these memories and get sad, gloomy, and feel borderline hopeless because I don't have him to continue making memories with. I'll even admit that I felt sad a good 20 minutes ago thinking about how I wish he was here right now. I wish we could've been together for coffee instead of having to sit alone. Yet, there is a peace in my heart as I write this and even a joy when I remember all these happy memories. Memories can be great and it is so fascinating that our brains can recall them with the simplest reminder or image, but they can be equally as hindering if they keep us from moving forward.

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The Bible speaks about seasons in Ecclesiastes 3 and how there is a time and place for every activity under Heaven. There is a time to be sad, a time to rejoice, a time to plant, a time to uproot, a time to build, a time to search, a time for peace, and a time to remember. There is even a time to be scared of what Covid-19 could do to you and your family, how it could affect your job, and how it has affected your life thus far. Even in our own world, we encounter seasons--we have summer, fall, winter, and spring. Seasons are all around us. For me, I have finally come to a place (or season) where I am ready for what God has next for me in many facets of life. I used to be so fearful of the "what if's". I honestly think the loss of David traumatized me so much that it was hard and scary to step out in faith that God might actually have something more for me in this life. It was scary for me to dream again, to believe again, to lead worship and not be fearful of breaking down in tears again...the list goes on. God has brought me through an incredibly difficult time of sadness and despair to a season of rebuilding and shaping, as well as a season of excitement and hope for what is next.

These years since David passed, there have been 2-4 songs that have been on repeat. I am so thankful for music and how God has used each song to speak to me and encourage my heart. One song in particular is by The Belonging Co and it's called "You're Not Finished Yet". It says this:

I won't forget the things You've done

For I know that this is just the beginning

And You're not finished yet, You're not finished yet

Until I see Your promise come

God with all I am, I'll keep believing

That You're not finished yet, You're not finished yet

Did you catch that? I won't forget the things He (God) has done for I know that was just the beginning because He's not finished with me yet. I have wrestled many times with the fact that God took David home before me--why him and not me? Why didn't God call us both home to Heaven at the same time? Instead, David is gone and here I am. Yet, I have to remember God still has me here for a reason because His Plan for my life is not finished yet. The Bible talks about how we are running a race and are to fix our eyes on Him, as He is the ultimate prize. When we fix our eyes on Him, He guides us in a way we could've never imagined possible.

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What season are you in right now? Are you in a season of fear, of rebuilding, planting, worry, rejoicing? What if, today, we surrendered to Jesus and said, "God, with all I am, I'll still keep believing that You're not finished yet?" God has more for me in this life and I am excited and expectant to see what that is. No matter what season we are in right now, let's fix our eyes on Jesus and trust that this season be one where we learn all we can from it.

I love all of you that have read these posts and have encouraged me as I have shared. I am praying for each and every one of you this afternoon as I sit in this coffee shop, hopeful and expectant in this season. If you want to listen to the song I mentioned earlier, here it is: