I began my [so-called] blog over a year ago and have not written again until now. It is funny how God speaks to you and reminds you to do what He has nudged you to do, yet, you can often be unwilling to do that very thing. Honestly, I have struggled to think "who would seriously want to read my rants?" All in all, I am here trying to be obedient and willing to share what I am learning. I am currently 2.5 years out from having lost David and it STILL seems surreal sometimes. I frequent places where David and I went--restaurants, our city (Cedar Hill), stores and all those places you adventure to with your best friend. I look at our favorite restaurant, Cafe del Rio, and struggle to wrap my mind around the fact that we went there all the time and that it was real life and not a dream. I have remained in a place where it seems as if I am in a twilight zone unsure if my mind is really processing that he is not here. Grief plays a trick on your mind and my brain has yet to fully comprehend all that happened. The main reality is that my heart still just misses my love and my best friend and wants everything back the way it was. I want to come home from work, cook dinner for him, and watch one of our favorite shows together--just a normal night. I want to do life with him again. I see other couples going on dates, holding hands, friends talking about their spouses, how they're starting families, and so on, and it is a painful reminder that I do not have that anymore; it is so tough.
Regardless, I have been reminded of God's goodness and faithfulness. The other week, I led worship at a friend's church and sensed a theme throughout the songs; they were speaking of His Goodness. If I were to rewind back to two years ago or even a year ago, my heart was not able to declare whole-heartedly that God is still good. Sure, as a believer, I know deep-down that He is still good and that He has provided what I have needed so many times throughout my life, but it is hard to see His Hand when your husband is gone at such a young age and it all completely blindsides you. It is hard to see His Hand when finances are tight, lay-offs happen, children are away from the Lord, and so on. BUT, He is always there. He is there to walk you through the storms of life and to show you that He has never left nor forsaken you. I can look back and see how God provided for me financially in ways I never would have imagined the months following David's passing. Without that provision, I would have been so stressed and more distraught than I already was. He has provided an amazing support group of friends and family who have checked in on me, prayed with me, and helped me through this season of life. God has been my constant companion to show me that it is okay to cry, it is okay to question, it is okay to doubt, but to always remember that He is faithful and He is GOOD. He has a plan "and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)" It does not mean we will always understand, but we can trust.
A few months after David passed, I felt the Lord share that my greatest healing would come through praise. I struggled to understand that at first: how would the healing of my heart come through praise when I can hardly sing a song during worship? For the first year or so, I could hardly get through being in a worship service without breaking down in tears and having to step out. So, how was I, the worship leader at heart, going to praise? How was I honestly going to sing that He is a good good Father when He allowed all of this to happen? I've realized that it is when I fix my eyes on Jesus and worship Him, He reminds me that I am not in control and do not need to be; I am to surrender to Him daily and trust the plans He has for me. Worship locks us away into this special time with the Lord and I have been enjoying the time when I can play and sing and give it all to Him. It is still painful to worship at times, especially in those private moments where it is just me and the Lord and there is a rawness within, but He reminds me that His ways are higher than mine. A pastor from my home church used to say, "Lord, help us lift our eyes higher than the horizon of our own humanity." I'll be honest and say that I never knew what this meant... I didn't attempt to process what it meant. However, I have come to realize that this phrase means we are to fix our eyes on Jesus--the One orchestrating the details and plans. We may not understand always, but we can trust that He is faithful.
I'm stepping into a new season of faithfulness and have decided to record myself singing one of my new favorites, "Goodness of God" by Bethel. I am not the greatest on piano and definitely do not have the most amazing voice, but I use it for the Lord and am trusting the words of the song will speak to you more than anything. I hope you are encouraged today that He is always faithful no matter and will guide you through every season. I will sing of His Goodness in my life.
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